Fly - but at your own risk in India.

Off late there are lots of disgusting/surprising and interesting news from Indian airline industry and some of these are downright scary. But why be scared when you can laugh about it. So here is my take on some of the news(cringe)worthy items.

Go First leaves without passengers

Go First left without 54 of its passengers from Bangalore who were checked in and had valid boarding passes. Well they can't be blamed right? The captain thought it is better to "Go first" to the destination and then think about the left out passengers. While I was in College, we even left out the bus conductor out of the bus one day. Imaging leaving out the co-pilot and the flight going away without one of the crew member?

Our regular bus route 7E was notoriously slow as the conductor spent his time giving tickets and insisting on completing all documentation and this meant the bus was never on time to reach college. Since the bus used to be jam packed, the conductor had no choice but to be at the entry/exit doors only and alternating between these doors to keep asking for passengers to buy ticket from him. He used to call out "Right-o-Right" for the driver to make sure he can proceed to next stop.

One fine day as our duty conscious conductor was holding up the bus in the pretext of selling more tickets, one passenger mimicked the voice of the conductor and shouted "Right-o-Right". Pronto, the driver moved the bus only for the unwitting conductor to run behind. As the bus picked speed, we lost sight of the guy running and screaming out expletives at the driver. But soon to the utter horror of the driver, the conductor was flagging down the bus after having a good Samaritan offer a lift in a two wheeler. 

Now if the BTC (Former BMTC) can leave one of the crew behind? Go first should not be penalized for leaving out paying passengers right? They merely adhered to their company brand of "Go first".

Free Diapers

What's the difference between the old Air India and the new Air India? Stumped? Here's the answer: With the old AI you were pissed off for their tardiness, with the new AI you get pissed on.

Poor lady and senior citizen was peed on by a drunk and disorderly AI first class passenger who hallucinated that the lady in the nearby seat was a men's urinal. Now AI simply thought everyone needs to pee, but this man did it on the co-passenger, no big deal. Shame on them.  

But then as Indians, how many times have we had a bus travel with the parent "guiding" the child (male obviously) out of the window to pee and not create nuisance? Bus travels like these are why response time to situations such as these were very low. It takes immense skill to wrangle the stuck window shutter and close out the window before the inevitable spray hits you. Doordarshan used to broadcast village games from Germany many years back in a programme called Telematch. Maybe such skills like "Fastest window closer" would have been won by Indians had such an event been included.  Maybe the passenger had mistakenly thought he is now being guided by his parent to relieve himself. It is not his fault that windows in an aircraft don't open is it not?

Since he is a celebrity now, adult diaper companies can approach him to do some advertisement extolling virtues of their product. You only cannot drink and drive. But with Elephant brand adult diapers, you can always drink and pee, even 35000 feet above ground. No need to even get out of your drunken stupor. Hic! Hic! Hooray!

By the way the lady was helped by staff to clean herself. What about the offending seat now? Next time, I will take a mattress cover in case i end up in one of the Toilet seats. Now I get why the planes smell all the time. Hi hi.

In our Bahubal lies our strength

Thailand offers a lot of massages. One group of men suddenly found their bahubal after such a massage and they beat up a co-passenger for not listening to the airline crew who asked him not to recline his seat during take off. Admitted that the person who got beatup was not following safety procedures of the aircraft , but is it not in our blood to rise against such rule breakers and put them in their place?

Why else is Thailand's capital called Bang Kok if there is no provision to beat up someone. Also since it was done in Thailand runway, the bahubali did the right thing there. After all the bahubali only followed our great Chanakya who gave the message "Saam dham dand bhed". How can that passenger not follow rules and not listen to the airline crew to put his seat in an upright position? After all the airline was also is Thaismile airways? So it is not his fault. He only utilized the rule of Chanakya is it not? And he was also prudent to do this act in Thailand. 

You see we don't have Thai massages which are authentic in India. Neither do we have any freedom movement / wars etc. So denizens in India don't even understand that they have to fight for injustice. Its part of our lives is it not? So when the bahubali after the famous Thai massage got some muscle and went on to do the "Saam dham dand bhed" can we fault him?

The bahubali can be taken in for the Kabaddi league as the mascot. As far as the chap who wanted to recline the seat during take off goes, I guess he will never recline his seat for life time.

Body - the container

Our chaps from Bihar, I say they are the brightest in India. After all their land is the land of the great university Nalanda. Now how can you fail such chaps and hand them over to the police for having drunk prior to flight boarding / during flight if they did not break any of Bihar's prohibition rules?

You see the alcohol was procured outside Bihar and they knew that the prohibition laws in Bihar means they can't take the good stuff home. So why not drink it? And if they did drink while flying, did the captain note / air crew note which state were they flying over and is there any prohibition at the time of drinking? 

Obviously you can't bring a bottle of the good stuff in Bihar, but heck, they only followed the metaphor "Body is a container"

And to think of Bihar as a liquor free state, only the state government thinks so. But how can you fault these literally high flying chaps for not wanting to drink any of the disgusting country stuff. They only chose class over mass is it not?

They could now be brand ambassadors for Air India who are embroiled in the pee gate to have an advertisement which says Air india - Pee the world with us or Air India - Don't drink and drive, Drink and fly or even fly and drink.

Next time, I am going by the humble IR or State transport bus. Atleast I am adept in closing windows in a jiffy you see.

Why I love Electric Mobility and its practical applications in India

In a country perennially short of Power, India is going all out to reduce fossil fuel reduction. Our Sheik(ers) and movers of the OPEC and being hand in glove with the renewable energy minister (mnre.gov.in) and is all for jacking up the prices of fuel. Diesel car owners are more affected than their petroleum counterparts blaming the entire world for purchase of the Diesel vehicle.

In this smoke and mirror games, India is aiming to achieve 40% renewable energy production by 2030. Mate! that is only a decade or less away. Ultimately the car companies of India will sell their old contraptions with new drive trains and say that we have achieved the net zero goal.

It is all to be taken with a pinch of salt mate. I guess we are already on that path towards the sustainable goal for reducing fossil fuel. These are considerations however:

* Cars with ethanol blend. If the ethanol is more - can the car be impounded for drunk driving?

* Cars with Battery, but where ESCOMS always resort to power cut, there will be no mobility on demand

* Forget fossil fuel vehicles, mnre.gov.in has plans to completely have a cottage industry to convert them on electricity

While I was thinking about all this, the nearby stray cow was happily enjoying the chewing of the cud (Plastic waste I would assume and hence more chewing needed). This gave me a good idea, but one I cannot pitch to anyone.

Suppose we have a partnership with the city cattle owners, who let loose their cattle on road? [By the way, they have been hired separately by traffic police to control the vehicle flow and act as natural traffic islands]

* We can build an app called "Find my moo"

* Say you have a partly charged vehicle running on battery and you can't make it to office/your destination. Its not a worry anymore. All you need is to log on to "Find my moo" and book a buffalo/stray cow or horse/pony on the place where you think the battery will go out of range

* Hitch the bovine, equine to the front of the car(t) and do a giddy up

* The speeds of the movement in this model will be comparable anyway due to city traffic restrictions. Petrol / electric or animal powered all move anyways at the same speed on Indian roads

* Reach the destination and hand over money for the Moo ver (Allied group of people who fetch the equine , bovine back to its shed at night)

* The money will be split between the owner of the cattle , allied group and they have a better life. Hopefully they will feed the cattle well because the business model is based on four legs pulling four / two / six wheels.

* The dung can be conserved to make bio gas

* There are no stray cattle on road and all of them are now well fed

* Yes, you need to make sounds like "Druah, Druah, boorr..hai hai" but hat is better than swear words you use for fellow road users. So civility increases in the population. What say eh?

* We can actually say to our onshore folks who still ask "Are there coos on the road in Indiyah"? and show the sustainable model proudly

* Go to office, charge up and come back home or you know what to do next if there is no power right. "Find your moo".

Unlock 4.0 

Why, Corona locks are old now. We now have Unlock 4.0 announced by GOI. Let us look at the aspects

1. Pubs, bars will operate at 50% capacity - Its now happy hours for the beleaguered owners
2. Pub owners will have to drink up first till they start seeing double and hence the 50% capacity utilization will look to them as the pub being full
3. Metro services to start. Metros will keep social distancing themselves. There won't be many plying close together. Thus if you miss one, you may want to socialize with the person next so that you can have a fun time till another comes
4. Schools are still closed. Anyway where the learned Govt. thinks that opening pubs and bars is more priority than opening schools, our future generation shall be distant from any values education may provide
5. School children cannot go to pubs as the schools are closed. So that is an unintentional good outcome
6. Marriages can happen with 50 guests. Finding out which one to invite and who to leave out will be a bigger worry for the parents of the groom and bride.
7. Union of two souls via marriage is likely to break many relationships as people will feel miffed at not being invited to gossip during the marriage (See point 6)
8. Lobbying likely to happen to be in the 50 invited guests from relatives of the bride and groom. This will give them bragging rights to say that they had been to So and So's wedding even during lockdown. Something akin to landing on the moon.
9. 9th to 12th standard students can come to school to clear their doubts. I sincerely hope they don't get enlightened by the clarity their teachers give and run off to the nearest pub to celebrate
10. Meanwhile swimming pool owners have converted their facilities to car washes. So that they need not drown in the sorrow. One consolation is they have the pubs open

Corona

Corona Woes

As if life was not hard, there are new woes due to the Corona:

1. I miss driving in maddening Bangalore traffic as I am desk bound at home. Now I need to revise my swear words again.
2. There are no co passengers to chat with. Missing the friends in Quick ride. Try chatting up with Wife and you get into arguments. Gawd!
3. No eyeing the PYTs in the office. The PYT next door is also inside the home working 
4. No chaat to eat now. Unless you prepare it yourself. 
5. Life is all about guessing which team member really has a powercut while he / she thinks of a new way to skip work
6. Work from home is also Work for home. Woe betide the people who thought IT guys do not do work hard like the folks in a brick and mortar company. The moment I step out to buy stuff is where my Manager misses me dearly in the company messenger
7. Tea time / water cooler grapevine talks are sorely missed. Now it is only gripe talks around the house
8. Power cuts mean forever you are asking "Am I audible"? I am not sure if the microphone in my laptop is playing up or team mates exacting revenge
9. Extra eating to control anxiety means new wardrobe soon. More trouble trying to shed the extra weight around tummy
10. Above all the zillions in India who don't understand Social distancing. Gawd! when are you going to distance this virus from all around me?

Eyepeeyelled !!

There is currently a rash of articles going about how the Eyepeeyell has affected our daily lives. Well, here is one from my desk.

1. The boss calls for team meetings and announces them as "Strategic timeouts".

2. You and your colleagues do a Mexican wave whenever a PYT walks down the aisle next to your bay.

3. The newest project win of your unit is announced as a "Citi Moment of Success".

4. You ask for the price of a Kilo of Onions. The shopkeeper tells us that the prices have shot up like the ubiquitous "DLF maximum".

5. You expect your co-workers to huddle together ala the "team huddle" for even small things such as coffee breaks.

6. Eyeing a PYT in your bus to work you wonder if she would be a "Karbonn kamaal catch" for you.

7. Your boss inadvertently comments "something has to give in now" when he calls you for a performance appraisal.

8. Your boss's boss sounds like Laxman sivaramakrishnan.

9. You are walking to a meeting carrying a laptop and then do "Shadow bowling" absent minded, ending the action with the laptop crashing as you aim to "dig in short".

10. Umm..the last one I can't think of. I am busy watching KKR v/s DD.

:D

Role Rotation

People should be exposed to various kinds of jobs so that they will not think of how high/low their profession is.

So why not ministers? Already some have got the taste. What should be the next post of ministers?

PC - Once he was the FM. Now as HM he gets to see the plight of Naxals who became so because of his policies as a "once-was-an-FM"

Sharad - Should be the PM. Because he will get sponsors from eyepeeyell and also cheerleaders for dull and drab parliament sessions. Sonia's gripe that MPs are absent from Parliament may subside. But, the flip side is vanar sena and its other associates might raise the morality issue.

Shashi - Telecom minister. Who else to handle this portfolio other than the guy who always tweets from his Blackberry? But he might be too naive and discuss all the ministry's working via tweets and the Parliament may take him to task for contempt of Parliament

Pranab - Well he can handle everything. I don't understand what he says as FM or anyother M.

Didi - Industries Minister. Time for Nano gang to get back

PM - Should take the place of FM. He does it best. Urdu couplets are rarely told by anyone better during the budgetary speech

SMK - Textiles. Trendy clothes and so the post

Jairam - Ministry of communication. Will probably improve the level of communication amongst his own team

Sheila - The old lady knows to snub. What better post than to give the job of Foreign minister and she can show the "friendly" neighbouhoods what we are. Bring her on from CM to a M.

Kapil - Commerce minister. Some of his well-intentioned-but-poorly-thought-out reforms in education will soon commercialize it beyond compare. So he is my best choice.

See any additions?? Ping to me with your suggestions.

Cheers!!

How to secure our Defense Secrets ??

Recently read in Tabloid of India (TOI) that chinese hackers have got access to defense secrets by hacking into many Govenrment web sites. Now, when such an event occurs, I am sure there will be a cabinet meeting to discuss things.

So one day there was a cabinet meeting. All heavy-weights of the cabinet arrive.

PM - "Distinguished colleagues, We are here to discuss a very important issue of Chinese hackers doing damage to our beloved nation. Mr. Defense Minister will answer your questions now"

DM - Ayyo!!, I don't know anything ji. Today morning when I was dringing kaapi, my assistant Mr. Kunju kurup told me that he read in Tabloid of India about this. Anyway I have asked the chief of staff to investigate.

Meanwhile, Shashi is busy tweeting. "There goes the secret location where my assets are hidden. I had copied all my ill-gotten wealth's secrets in DM's computer thinking that it won't be found out. Eeyal chadichallo, ende kartaave"

Sharad - Thinking to himself. Good that I told the joker Modi chap not to include Hongkong and chinese ICC players in eyepeeyell. It would have been a national embarassment to me in Beware of cricket control in India (BCCI)

DM - We are investigating the issue. Last night also our team was seeing which files have been compromised. I found some strange looking file called "Ende Jeevan.xls" in my PC, it was a password protected spreadsheet. Does it belong to any of you??"

PC - "What?? you said PC?? I am the home minister at office and report to a home minister at home. How can you say that the file is mine??"

PM - Does anyone have any suggestion about this issue??

DM - "Sir, I don't think much has been compromised. The fact that we are building airstrips near Tibet has been released by Tabloid of India already"

PM - No not that. But there were some other secrets I guess. How much of the file contents they already know about is what I am wondering??

Shashi brightens up.

PM ji, why not invite the Chinese for a game of "Raaz, Defense ministry ka"?? I am sure we can hypnotize them and find out

PM - Yes, but then who will sponsor such a show??

Sharad - Sir ji, Don't worry about sponsors, we can manage even Pakistan Airlines or Habib bank. They might be having a lot of interest in this issue too. Anyway Sponsor King Modi is in our side

Shashi - I guess it better be eyepeeyell Modi. Narendra has already got AB and the Big B is in lot of trouble since then

Sharad - Thinking to himself. "Wait till you Tweet something stupid again. Let me see who will sponsor your cause to continue in the cabinet."

DM - I have a suggestion Sir. Let us henceforth convert all documents in to Malayalam and then store in computers. Even if they are hacked I am sure the Chinese won't understand."

Entire team - "Bravo! Bravo!

PM - "Now I know the worth of a kaapi drinker in my team."

Shashi - "But sir, even I am one"

PM - "But then you tweet all about it and destroy the fun no?"

PM - "Please call Nandan to my office. I guess his former company has lot of Mallu Software Engineers. They must be able to give us a quick turn around time with the documents we have. Meeting adjourned"

Disclaimer - "All events above described might be partially false. No reference whatsoever to any person living, dead or comatose is intended. If you take offence then you don't have a sense of humour or are dazed by eyepeeyell watching for the last three weeks".