There is currently a rash of articles going about how the Eyepeeyell has affected our daily lives. Well, here is one from my desk.
1. The boss calls for team meetings and announces them as "Strategic timeouts".
2. You and your colleagues do a Mexican wave whenever a PYT walks down the aisle next to your bay.
3. The newest project win of your unit is announced as a "Citi Moment of Success".
4. You ask for the price of a Kilo of Onions. The shopkeeper tells us that the prices have shot up like the ubiquitous "DLF maximum".
5. You expect your co-workers to huddle together ala the "team huddle" for even small things such as coffee breaks.
6. Eyeing a PYT in your bus to work you wonder if she would be a "Karbonn kamaal catch" for you.
7. Your boss inadvertently comments "something has to give in now" when he calls you for a performance appraisal.
8. Your boss's boss sounds like Laxman sivaramakrishnan.
9. You are walking to a meeting carrying a laptop and then do "Shadow bowling" absent minded, ending the action with the laptop crashing as you aim to "dig in short".
10. Umm..the last one I can't think of. I am busy watching KKR v/s DD.
:D
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Role Rotation
People should be exposed to various kinds of jobs so that they will not think of how high/low their profession is.
So why not ministers? Already some have got the taste. What should be the next post of ministers?
PC - Once he was the FM. Now as HM he gets to see the plight of Naxals who became so because of his policies as a "once-was-an-FM"
Sharad - Should be the PM. Because he will get sponsors from eyepeeyell and also cheerleaders for dull and drab parliament sessions. Sonia's gripe that MPs are absent from Parliament may subside. But, the flip side is vanar sena and its other associates might raise the morality issue.
Shashi - Telecom minister. Who else to handle this portfolio other than the guy who always tweets from his Blackberry? But he might be too naive and discuss all the ministry's working via tweets and the Parliament may take him to task for contempt of Parliament
Pranab - Well he can handle everything. I don't understand what he says as FM or anyother M.
Didi - Industries Minister. Time for Nano gang to get back
PM - Should take the place of FM. He does it best. Urdu couplets are rarely told by anyone better during the budgetary speech
SMK - Textiles. Trendy clothes and so the post
Jairam - Ministry of communication. Will probably improve the level of communication amongst his own team
Sheila - The old lady knows to snub. What better post than to give the job of Foreign minister and she can show the "friendly" neighbouhoods what we are. Bring her on from CM to a M.
Kapil - Commerce minister. Some of his well-intentioned-but-poorly-thought-out reforms in education will soon commercialize it beyond compare. So he is my best choice.
See any additions?? Ping to me with your suggestions.
Cheers!!
So why not ministers? Already some have got the taste. What should be the next post of ministers?
PC - Once he was the FM. Now as HM he gets to see the plight of Naxals who became so because of his policies as a "once-was-an-FM"
Sharad - Should be the PM. Because he will get sponsors from eyepeeyell and also cheerleaders for dull and drab parliament sessions. Sonia's gripe that MPs are absent from Parliament may subside. But, the flip side is vanar sena and its other associates might raise the morality issue.
Shashi - Telecom minister. Who else to handle this portfolio other than the guy who always tweets from his Blackberry? But he might be too naive and discuss all the ministry's working via tweets and the Parliament may take him to task for contempt of Parliament
Pranab - Well he can handle everything. I don't understand what he says as FM or anyother M.
Didi - Industries Minister. Time for Nano gang to get back
PM - Should take the place of FM. He does it best. Urdu couplets are rarely told by anyone better during the budgetary speech
SMK - Textiles. Trendy clothes and so the post
Jairam - Ministry of communication. Will probably improve the level of communication amongst his own team
Sheila - The old lady knows to snub. What better post than to give the job of Foreign minister and she can show the "friendly" neighbouhoods what we are. Bring her on from CM to a M.
Kapil - Commerce minister. Some of his well-intentioned-but-poorly-thought-out reforms in education will soon commercialize it beyond compare. So he is my best choice.
See any additions?? Ping to me with your suggestions.
Cheers!!
How to secure our Defense Secrets ??
Recently read in Tabloid of India (TOI) that chinese hackers have got access to defense secrets by hacking into many Govenrment web sites. Now, when such an event occurs, I am sure there will be a cabinet meeting to discuss things.
So one day there was a cabinet meeting. All heavy-weights of the cabinet arrive.
PM - "Distinguished colleagues, We are here to discuss a very important issue of Chinese hackers doing damage to our beloved nation. Mr. Defense Minister will answer your questions now"
DM - Ayyo!!, I don't know anything ji. Today morning when I was dringing kaapi, my assistant Mr. Kunju kurup told me that he read in Tabloid of India about this. Anyway I have asked the chief of staff to investigate.
Meanwhile, Shashi is busy tweeting. "There goes the secret location where my assets are hidden. I had copied all my ill-gotten wealth's secrets in DM's computer thinking that it won't be found out. Eeyal chadichallo, ende kartaave"
Sharad - Thinking to himself. Good that I told the joker Modi chap not to include Hongkong and chinese ICC players in eyepeeyell. It would have been a national embarassment to me in Beware of cricket control in India (BCCI)
DM - We are investigating the issue. Last night also our team was seeing which files have been compromised. I found some strange looking file called "Ende Jeevan.xls" in my PC, it was a password protected spreadsheet. Does it belong to any of you??"
PC - "What?? you said PC?? I am the home minister at office and report to a home minister at home. How can you say that the file is mine??"
PM - Does anyone have any suggestion about this issue??
DM - "Sir, I don't think much has been compromised. The fact that we are building airstrips near Tibet has been released by Tabloid of India already"
PM - No not that. But there were some other secrets I guess. How much of the file contents they already know about is what I am wondering??
Shashi brightens up.
PM ji, why not invite the Chinese for a game of "Raaz, Defense ministry ka"?? I am sure we can hypnotize them and find out
PM - Yes, but then who will sponsor such a show??
Sharad - Sir ji, Don't worry about sponsors, we can manage even Pakistan Airlines or Habib bank. They might be having a lot of interest in this issue too. Anyway Sponsor King Modi is in our side
Shashi - I guess it better be eyepeeyell Modi. Narendra has already got AB and the Big B is in lot of trouble since then
Sharad - Thinking to himself. "Wait till you Tweet something stupid again. Let me see who will sponsor your cause to continue in the cabinet."
DM - I have a suggestion Sir. Let us henceforth convert all documents in to Malayalam and then store in computers. Even if they are hacked I am sure the Chinese won't understand."
Entire team - "Bravo! Bravo!
PM - "Now I know the worth of a kaapi drinker in my team."
Shashi - "But sir, even I am one"
PM - "But then you tweet all about it and destroy the fun no?"
PM - "Please call Nandan to my office. I guess his former company has lot of Mallu Software Engineers. They must be able to give us a quick turn around time with the documents we have. Meeting adjourned"
Disclaimer - "All events above described might be partially false. No reference whatsoever to any person living, dead or comatose is intended. If you take offence then you don't have a sense of humour or are dazed by eyepeeyell watching for the last three weeks".
So one day there was a cabinet meeting. All heavy-weights of the cabinet arrive.
PM - "Distinguished colleagues, We are here to discuss a very important issue of Chinese hackers doing damage to our beloved nation. Mr. Defense Minister will answer your questions now"
DM - Ayyo!!, I don't know anything ji. Today morning when I was dringing kaapi, my assistant Mr. Kunju kurup told me that he read in Tabloid of India about this. Anyway I have asked the chief of staff to investigate.
Meanwhile, Shashi is busy tweeting. "There goes the secret location where my assets are hidden. I had copied all my ill-gotten wealth's secrets in DM's computer thinking that it won't be found out. Eeyal chadichallo, ende kartaave"
Sharad - Thinking to himself. Good that I told the joker Modi chap not to include Hongkong and chinese ICC players in eyepeeyell. It would have been a national embarassment to me in Beware of cricket control in India (BCCI)
DM - We are investigating the issue. Last night also our team was seeing which files have been compromised. I found some strange looking file called "Ende Jeevan.xls" in my PC, it was a password protected spreadsheet. Does it belong to any of you??"
PC - "What?? you said PC?? I am the home minister at office and report to a home minister at home. How can you say that the file is mine??"
PM - Does anyone have any suggestion about this issue??
DM - "Sir, I don't think much has been compromised. The fact that we are building airstrips near Tibet has been released by Tabloid of India already"
PM - No not that. But there were some other secrets I guess. How much of the file contents they already know about is what I am wondering??
Shashi brightens up.
PM ji, why not invite the Chinese for a game of "Raaz, Defense ministry ka"?? I am sure we can hypnotize them and find out
PM - Yes, but then who will sponsor such a show??
Sharad - Sir ji, Don't worry about sponsors, we can manage even Pakistan Airlines or Habib bank. They might be having a lot of interest in this issue too. Anyway Sponsor King Modi is in our side
Shashi - I guess it better be eyepeeyell Modi. Narendra has already got AB and the Big B is in lot of trouble since then
Sharad - Thinking to himself. "Wait till you Tweet something stupid again. Let me see who will sponsor your cause to continue in the cabinet."
DM - I have a suggestion Sir. Let us henceforth convert all documents in to Malayalam and then store in computers. Even if they are hacked I am sure the Chinese won't understand."
Entire team - "Bravo! Bravo!
PM - "Now I know the worth of a kaapi drinker in my team."
Shashi - "But sir, even I am one"
PM - "But then you tweet all about it and destroy the fun no?"
PM - "Please call Nandan to my office. I guess his former company has lot of Mallu Software Engineers. They must be able to give us a quick turn around time with the documents we have. Meeting adjourned"
Disclaimer - "All events above described might be partially false. No reference whatsoever to any person living, dead or comatose is intended. If you take offence then you don't have a sense of humour or are dazed by eyepeeyell watching for the last three weeks".
Flying cheap ??
Holiday time again (at least for the school kids). You may be flying a LCC out of your city for that once-in-a-lifetime vacation.
Here is a low down on what you can expect.
1. Arrive at the airport at your own sweet time. After all the security checks for your luggage and you are ready to board, the PYT announcer will say; "Sorry for the inconvenience, but our flight's pilot has been poached by another LCC, if any of the passengers have a pilot license they are asked to report at the nearest counter for pre-flight tests. XYZ airways wishes you a pleasant fl(r)ight."
2. Have as much luggage as you possibly can. The LCCs don't mind. When a Sleeper class ticket gives you full freedom to move your household goods by train, why should a costlier LCC ticket deny you freedom to move the Mohalla??
3. Have plenty of water. The LCCs don't offer complementary water bottles. They do sell them. But then for their price you can get a IMFL bottle itself don't you?
4. Beware of snakes - Heard recently that in-flight entertainment in LCC is done by snake charmers who play a dual role. They entertain you in-flight and also make you hold to your seats. You see all the seat belts are done away with in the flights. (cost cutting).
5. Prepare to walk - sometimes LCCs don't get sufficient access to the airstrip (high airport usage taxes you see). Generally favoured area for landings are the meadows near airports or the Hyderabad highway if you are landing in Bangalore (earlier it was the KGA near the old airport in Domlur).
6. See lots of horror movies - The LCCs don't give make up kits for their air-h(gh)ostesses.
7. Get yourself a good parachute - The parachutes provided in the LCCs came from Somalia as that was a good cost benefit for the manufacturers. Heard that most Somalians are too keen to see people die.
8. Watch fear factor - Advisable that you watch all the seasons. Some passengers have been asked to help out in reviving the turboprop engine since the rotor blades don't move mid-air! Experience in reviving a fan in sleeper class bogies might not be useful here as the comb you carry is no match for the large rotor blades.
7. Lastly don't tease the air-hostesses - Someone has to do the job don't they??
Happy holidaze !!
PS - I have no opinion on which one is the best LCC. But then I don't fly very often you see.(Especially after being red-carded due to recession)
Here is a low down on what you can expect.
1. Arrive at the airport at your own sweet time. After all the security checks for your luggage and you are ready to board, the PYT announcer will say; "Sorry for the inconvenience, but our flight's pilot has been poached by another LCC, if any of the passengers have a pilot license they are asked to report at the nearest counter for pre-flight tests. XYZ airways wishes you a pleasant fl(r)ight."
2. Have as much luggage as you possibly can. The LCCs don't mind. When a Sleeper class ticket gives you full freedom to move your household goods by train, why should a costlier LCC ticket deny you freedom to move the Mohalla??
3. Have plenty of water. The LCCs don't offer complementary water bottles. They do sell them. But then for their price you can get a IMFL bottle itself don't you?
4. Beware of snakes - Heard recently that in-flight entertainment in LCC is done by snake charmers who play a dual role. They entertain you in-flight and also make you hold to your seats. You see all the seat belts are done away with in the flights. (cost cutting).
5. Prepare to walk - sometimes LCCs don't get sufficient access to the airstrip (high airport usage taxes you see). Generally favoured area for landings are the meadows near airports or the Hyderabad highway if you are landing in Bangalore (earlier it was the KGA near the old airport in Domlur).
6. See lots of horror movies - The LCCs don't give make up kits for their air-h(gh)ostesses.
7. Get yourself a good parachute - The parachutes provided in the LCCs came from Somalia as that was a good cost benefit for the manufacturers. Heard that most Somalians are too keen to see people die.
8. Watch fear factor - Advisable that you watch all the seasons. Some passengers have been asked to help out in reviving the turboprop engine since the rotor blades don't move mid-air! Experience in reviving a fan in sleeper class bogies might not be useful here as the comb you carry is no match for the large rotor blades.
7. Lastly don't tease the air-hostesses - Someone has to do the job don't they??
Happy holidaze !!
PS - I have no opinion on which one is the best LCC. But then I don't fly very often you see.(Especially after being red-carded due to recession)
Eyepeeyell
Eyepeeyell match number 33 had finished and a funny looking person was interviewing a playing captain asking the reasons for their loss. Oh yes, the funny looking guy was Angad singh (Now I remember). Bishan Singh Bedi's deliveries were feast to the eyes, but not this delivery who is on eyepeeyell imitating the other Bedi.
Anyways, here is what I was dreaming although my eyes were focussed on the screen
Angad - "Why do you think your boys underperformed today?"
Captain - "Boys, what boys? I am not married even! Oh! wait! you are talking about the teams' performance. Yeah what can i say? there has been a wage disagreement and we are having tough time bringing the team to the ground"
Angad - "But there is enough sponsorship is it not?"
Captain - "Precisely that is the problem. Look, my main strike bowler refuses to bowl yorkers and make the opposite batsmen struggle because the stumps are not sponsored by Nike, they have these horrendous DLF IPL stickers on them, to be fair I can't find fault with him for being loyal to the sponsors."
Angad - "How has been your main sponsor's support inspite of the continuing poor performance?"
Captain - "Yeah that is another sore issue. We don't have owner's like KXIP or RR to hug and entertain us with their goodies". Thinking to himself. "That reminds me to ask for a RR contract next time. Heard Shipla gives better hugs than Preity".
Angad - "How is the crowd support?"
Captain - "Oh! yes all of us enjoy the crowd. Especially when we concede a six or a boundary and the girls do their lovely jigs, jiggling all. That is when the crowd support the beautiful girls and let out a roar, very entertaining I must add".
Angad - "How has been the strategic time out helpful"
Captain - "Very useful. I must congratulate Mr. Modi for this. I get to tweet in that break and also network with the cheerleaders"
Angad - "What is the value add that IPL has brought to you this year?"
Captain - "Very good question. We already knew that we could not bat, now we know that we can't bowl either and by the next IPL we are pretty sure we will discover many more things about us"
Angad - "What a discovery. Hope you have a good time here"
Captain - "Yes I certainly will. I got a tweet back from one of the cheergirls already".
Angad - "Back to you guys"
:D
Note - All of the interview may be partially true, but you know that already is it not? (Cricinfo style disclaimer)
Anyways, here is what I was dreaming although my eyes were focussed on the screen
Angad - "Why do you think your boys underperformed today?"
Captain - "Boys, what boys? I am not married even! Oh! wait! you are talking about the teams' performance. Yeah what can i say? there has been a wage disagreement and we are having tough time bringing the team to the ground"
Angad - "But there is enough sponsorship is it not?"
Captain - "Precisely that is the problem. Look, my main strike bowler refuses to bowl yorkers and make the opposite batsmen struggle because the stumps are not sponsored by Nike, they have these horrendous DLF IPL stickers on them, to be fair I can't find fault with him for being loyal to the sponsors."
Angad - "How has been your main sponsor's support inspite of the continuing poor performance?"
Captain - "Yeah that is another sore issue. We don't have owner's like KXIP or RR to hug and entertain us with their goodies". Thinking to himself. "That reminds me to ask for a RR contract next time. Heard Shipla gives better hugs than Preity".
Angad - "How is the crowd support?"
Captain - "Oh! yes all of us enjoy the crowd. Especially when we concede a six or a boundary and the girls do their lovely jigs, jiggling all. That is when the crowd support the beautiful girls and let out a roar, very entertaining I must add".
Angad - "How has been the strategic time out helpful"
Captain - "Very useful. I must congratulate Mr. Modi for this. I get to tweet in that break and also network with the cheerleaders"
Angad - "What is the value add that IPL has brought to you this year?"
Captain - "Very good question. We already knew that we could not bat, now we know that we can't bowl either and by the next IPL we are pretty sure we will discover many more things about us"
Angad - "What a discovery. Hope you have a good time here"
Captain - "Yes I certainly will. I got a tweet back from one of the cheergirls already".
Angad - "Back to you guys"
:D
Note - All of the interview may be partially true, but you know that already is it not? (Cricinfo style disclaimer)
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